Relapses and justifications

I relapsed by breaking my own rules for gaming more times than I remember. It wasn’t just once or twice, I’m talking about years of cycling in and out of excessive gaming. For example, after I finished my studies and got busy with a demanding day job, I remember not having the energy for gaming anymore. I went for about six months without playing any games at all, only to fall prey to a renewed forty hour+ per week monstrosity of a gaming habit, once I had secured a job with fewer hours. It was easy to justify too:

“I work hard, so I should have time to do the things I want, like play games.”

“Why shouldn’t I play games? It’s not like I’m spending all my free time drunk like my other friends. Gaming is cheaper than drinking too.”

“Gaming is no worse than watching TV, and I’d only be doing that if I wasn’t gaming, so I might as well just play games and be happy.”

“What else am I supposed to do with my evenings? Stare at the wall?”

These justifications seem silly to me now, but at the time they were very effective in keeping me stuck in my little rut. I simply couldn’t see the myriad of possibilities which life had to offer. I had lowered my expectations and willfully accepted that I could never be better than I was.

Every time I relapsed, I would also be very hard on myself. I would berate myself over and over again for my weakness; my inability to break away from gaming and get ahead in life. Then my self-confidence would suffer, which would undermine my self-discipline. It was a negative spiral, which lead to me holding myself back.

Should I take responsibility for my actions? Yes, of course.

Should I berate myself constantly for a relapse? No, it’s unproductive.

If you fall over, is it best to stay on the floor, or get up and try, try again? In the end, I spent years trying to slay the demon of excessive gaming, but the killing blow only landed once I found direction.